You Know When You’re Supposed To Know...

they say fall in love with someone for their faults, not for their lovely parts. because it's their faults that you'll hve to deal with for the rest of your life. it is a mirror of your own insecurities, your unfulfilled desires, your need to be accepted and loved for your pain.

suddenly, i have a thought in mind. with the divorce rate the way it is these days, one of the big questions that arises is: is marriage even relevant anymore? over my laptop I started looking at couples I saw and thinking, “I wonder if they are really happy?”

maybe they are really happy. I just really wish it is true. but I have a nagging suspicion it isn’t. are we really meant to be with one person for the rest of our lives? the romantic in me likes to think so, but I’m not so sure this is realistic anymore.

truth is, I’m afraid. for every one couple I know who is still playing dress-up and administering adult toy appendages after years of being together, there are twenty couples that have sex once every couple of months.

can’t our lover be like wine, their taste getting more nuanced over time?

~

I kind of pick the wrong song tonight,

In my solitude you haunt me
With reveries of days gone by
In my solitude you taunt me
With memories that never die
I sit in my chair
Filled with despair
Nobody could be so sad
With gloom ev’rywhere
I sit and I stare
I know that I’ll soon go mad
In my solitude
I’m praying
Dear lord above
Send back my love

~

I feel my tears, hidden behind my glasses. I look to the ceiling to protect it from falling. totally a wrong song, or maybe it's the right song. or maybe it's a perfect one. too perfect.

he had already expressed his wishes; he wanted us not to see each other that often. after the initial shock, I came to understand the reasons and I even realized that he was right. we needed to be alone to re-learn our relationship and to figure out how to be happy without relying on each other.

~

And if I’m losing control will you turn me away or touch me deep inside?
And before this gets old, will it still feel the same?
There’s no way this could die
But if we get much closer, I could lose control
And if your heart surrenders, you’ll need me to hold

- Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benetar (1983) -

~

An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone

- Here I Go Again by Whitesnake (1982) -

I'm gonna miss his presence.

waking up with my arm splayed across his chest and his face nuzzled into my neck. the best way to wake up, there is nothing better, I am convinced.

holding him close when he’s had a bad day and listening. and vice versa when I’m having a bad day. even if words aren’t exchanged, his presence is all that I need.

maybe, just maybe, during our shifting times, we must reevaluate ourselves. maybe, just maybe, we need to let go.